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Ferris, Jim / Facts of life
(2005)
Not killing oneself, p. 25
Page 25
Not Killing Oneself Her life had become meaningless. Geoffrey Fieger, attorney for Dr. Jack Kevorkian, speaking of a Kevorkian victim. I was walking through a parking lot when a guy told me he admired me for not killing myself. I had stopped and bent over to adjust my brace- damned thing was rubbing me the wrong way. I just looked at him. His friend had killed himself over the weekend, his friend who had his arms and legs and so much to look forward to and yet he killed himself while I wore a brace and did not kill myself. So he admired me. What do you say to that? I have vanity, a hunger for respect, for some proof I'm OK. But I would like to be admired for something more positive than not killing myself. I said thanks, or something like that. Only a year earlier my then-wife tried to kill herself a few months after we split. She swallowed her whole cache, including a bottle of phenobarbital. She might be dead now, the cops said when they called me long distance. Touch and go, the hospital said. She lived that time. I have some ideas what this world is like. And though we've all been there, and not that long ago, I still cannot remember what it's like to not be alive. I try to hold judgment; soon enough, I know. Soon enough. 25
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