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Ferris, Jim / Facts of life
(2005)

Not killing oneself,   p. 25


Page 25

 
Not Killing Oneself 
Her life had become meaningless. 
   Geoffrey Fieger, attorney for Dr. Jack Kevorkian, speaking of a Kevorkian
victim. 
I was walking through a parking lot 
when a guy told me he admired me 
for not killing myself. I had stopped 
and bent over to adjust my brace- 
damned thing was rubbing me the wrong way. 
I just looked at him. His friend had killed 
himself over the weekend, his friend 
who had his arms and legs and so much 
to look forward to and yet he killed 
himself while I wore a brace and did not 
kill myself. So he admired me. 
What do you say to that? I have vanity, 
a hunger for respect, for some proof 
I'm OK. But I would like to be 
admired for something more positive 
than not killing myself. I said thanks, 
or something like that. Only a year 
earlier my then-wife tried to kill 
herself a few months after we split. 
She swallowed her whole cache, including 
a bottle of phenobarbital. 
She might be dead now, the cops said when 
they called me long distance. Touch and go, 
the hospital said. She lived that time. 
I have some ideas what this world 
is like. And though we've all been there, 
and not that long ago, I still cannot 
remember what it's like to not be 
alive. I try to hold judgment; 
soon enough, I know. Soon enough. 
25 


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