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Strauch, Dora; Brockmann, Walter / Satan came to Eden
(1936)

Chapter VI: Marauders,   pp. 74-83


Page 74

 
Chapter Vh. MARAUDERS 
AST WE WERE ALONE. I OFTEN FOUND MYSELF MISSING 
the wild lad Hugo, although I had been glad he went 
away. In these weeks of struggle with myself I began 
to learn more understanding for the strangeness of 
Frederick's attitude. I think I never, day or night, 
              ceased to study him with a sort of desperate concen- 
 tration, and gradually this labor of the heart and mind brought its 
 reward. I used to watch him unobserved, and saw how unremit- 
 tingly he worked, and with what thoroughness, as though each 
 thing he did, no matter how trifling and even menial, was a com- 
 plete expression of himself, and must be done as perfectly as he 
 was capable of doing. He said so little, and yet in everything he 
 said I came to understand that feeling for the great connection 
 between the fragment and the whole, the reflection of the whole 
 in all its fragments, even the least, which was the core of his 
 conception of the universe. Little by little I realized that the words 
 he had so often spoken when we talked about this dream of flight 
 together were not being translated by him into the active terms 
 of life. It was as though, in this intensive realization of that dream 
 he had ceased to see himself as a man any longer, but had become 
 an instrument, a mirror, the impersonal embodiment of a philoso- 
 phy. How then should I demur if, seeing in me, as I knew he did, 
 the necessary complement of himself, he ceased to see in me the 
 individual, the woman in the ordinary sense? It seemed, until I 
 taught myself to realize all this, as though he had forgotten me, 
 consigned me to an intolerable loneliness at his side. But as his vision
 became more clear to me through his example, I saw that in that 
 wider sphere, in which alone this great man could freely move, 
 there could be no such thing as loneliness, for each must be com- 
 plete within himself, and companionship is only perfect when it 
 is not dependent. 
 Frederick's often Herculean achievements roused my ambition to 
 do likewise, and at first it made me horribly unhappy to find that 
 I could not make any impression on the dense thickets with my 
knife, as Frederick did with his. My weakness angered me. Fred- 
erick disliked to see me even attempting to do heavy work, but 
                               74 


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